Here goes....

I guess everyone's blog starts like this...."I'm new at this...." and I am. Efen once asked Elle why I don't post and her reply was "Cause all she'll do is bitch and say fuck a lot." She really knows me! I'll try not to do so much bitchin' (we have Efen for that) but I refuse to stop saying fuck cause that IS my favorite word.
For those of you (OK, everyone except Elle and Efen) who don't know me, I am 40, married for the second time (I swear, THIS WILL be my last) and have 2 step sons, ages 13 and 10. I brought into the marriage a small, 6 pound, Yorkie-Poodle dog and his name is Kasey. As big of a bitch as I am, (I know, SHOCKER) my dog is my world. He is 3 and all that I had until my husband. He is very attached to me and, basically, if I spread my butt cheeks apart, he would climb inside. Seriously. He makes an exception with Chaney; the big, fat Rottweiler mix that lives next door that easily out weighs Kasey say... like a truck to a hotwheel car. Chaney is constantly running around as if she is telling him "Me love you long time!" and is the first dog to ever get to interact with Kasey cause he is just like me when it comes to everyone and everything.... "fuckoff."

I got my first taste of Frank, my friend's 9 month old mini dachshund, 2 weeks ago when I kept him for a Sat. and Sun. while my friend was out of town. He is a very sweet little dog; friendly, playful and potty trained. But, fuck me running... that dog is one mother fucking yapper. He yaps incessantly. If my husband left the room and reentered 5 seconds later... yap. If I left and reentered.... yap. This went on all mother fucking weekend. He barked at everyone coming and going down the street ( I stay on my front porch a lot and kept him out there). Needless to say, I was glad when he left that Sunday night just to get some peace and quiet from all the barking.

A week later, she called me again and asked me to keep him again for 4 days. This time, the hair on the back of my fuckin neck stood up. What could I say? I love my friend dearly and I do love Frank... just that yapping gets on my nerves! My husband said "No, tell her you can't do it this time." But, I couldn't. So, Frank came back on Thursday of last week. Again... the yapping. FUUUUCCCKKKKK!

In the meantime, Elle texted me a few weeks ago and asked me to keep her little dog, LB, from Saturday until Saturday. First of all... not because she is my cousin's dog.. but I was really looking forward to keeping her. I haven't been around LB that much, but Elle told me how sweet she is and very much the licker! One thing that I did now... Frank and LB would get along famously. Both of them are young and playful. When we get back with LB, they immediately hit it off. Frank even stopped barking. I think it was just the company of LB. I know you all are saying, "Well, what about Kasey? He was there." Let me just go ahead and tell you.... Kasey was probably saying, "Fuckoff, bitches." Like me, he keeps to himself.

Saturday evening wore on as the dogs played and had a good time. At 9 pm, I started getting my usual "every other Saturday night poker crowd" at my house. Frank was pretty tired and went to his kennel which left the other two dogs frolicking about. LB was licking everyone that came into the house and Kasey was being his usual "fuckoff" self. After one guy came in and tripped over Kasey and almost fell on top of LB (Fuck.... how would I tell Elle..."Uuum, I have some really bad news....Someone fell on top of your beloved LB and broke her?"), I decided to put them upstairs in my bedroom.

Usually, Poker night drags on until 4 or 5 in the morning with me going to bed around 2 or 3 leaving my husband and his friends to play. These guys are guys that my husband, J, has either grown up with or has known his whole life. Tonight, we both lost early on and decided to go to our room upstairs to watch a movie at about 12:15 am. The dogs were up there and just kinda laid around on the bed with us tired from the day. When the movie was over at 2:30, I went back downstairs to find the guys all cashing out and going home. J brought the dogs down and we let them outside and decided to put Kasey in the living room and LB in the kitchen (this is usually where Kasey sleeps as his bed is under the kitchen table) with her own bed. There is a door between one living room (we have 2) and the kitchen and we use a baby gate to block off the other living room and the kitchen. We turn off all the lights (except for a small light in the kitchen that we always leave on) and go back upstairs to watch another movie. As the movie is playing on.... about 4:30 ( don't ask how I am still awake cause usually, I am dead to the world) we heard what sounded like someone banging on the front door. HARD. We muted the TV and heard it again. WTF? Who is at my mother fuckin door at this hour? The noise was loud and honestly, scared the fuckin shit out of me. I mean, even all the drunk poker players weren't THAT drunk to still be lurking around. J looks outside for a car and finds the street as it should. I am totally freaked out. J opens the bedroom door and starts down the stairs. I ask him if he wants the gun (our brand new .40 Calibur that I swear I will use on someone someday) and he just heads downstairs anyway. I go the my step son's room and look out his window to see the backyard only to find there is nothing out of place there; no shadows or lurkers moving about. I hear J open the front door ( I am thinking WTF are you doing that for without protection??) and must be outside for a couple of minutes (while I am back into bed with the covers up to my neck scared shitless) when he comes back upstairs and says that he has no idea who that was cause they are gone now. By now, I am fucking creeped out. BIGTIME. I mean spooked so badly that I don't want to go to sleep. Then, we heard it again. For crying out loud, WTTTTFFFFFFF???? I am almost in tears when J jerks open the bedroom door and flies back down the stairs like Batman on acid. A few seconds later, he comes back upstairs with the culprit... LB! She was the one "banging" on the kitchen door. Obviously, she did not like sleeping in the kitchen and was using her paws and body to "bang" on the door. We both started dying laughing. LB now sleeps with us and Kasey is left in the kitchen saying WTF??????