I am in some serious need of unbiased advice right now and will try to keep the story short. I am not sure how many of you guys know that I have 2 step-children. Boys... ages 13 and 10. They are good boys; mischievous as hell... but good. The older one is very standoffish. Not a very good athlete... just into video games. He would play 24-7 if we would let him. The younger one is a little snuggle bug. He is a VERY good athlete, very loving and just as laid back as his father. Since J does not have custody, we get the boys every other weekend and when they get off the bus (or we keep them while school is out) until their mother gets off work a couple of days a week. I work until 5 and J leaves for work at 5:30 pm (he drives almost an hour to work each way) and works until 5 or 6 in the morning and it keeps him away from home every single night of the week. He sleeps until about 2-3 p.m. and luckily, the boys are very self sufficient and know they don't leave the house while he is asleep or if I am not here.
While I was away last week, the kids' mother, let's call her A, calls me and leaves a voicemail (I never answer her calls anyway and thank God that electronic devices can be turned off) after she called me three times. She proceeds to tell me that she has a chance to go out of town for 10 days for work (she works at a plasma center) and gets paid per day she is gone on top of her hourly wage. She sounds so fucking excited... like she had just won a trip to Disney World.. and told me to call her back ASAP b/c her work needed an answer immediately. Yeah... like I am gonna break my fucking neck to call her back. Keep in mind that she does not make much money and depends, probably, 60% on child support to pay her bills. My husband has no problem what so ever with taking care of his kids and has never been late or flinched when it is time to pay her. For most of the summer, her work hours have been cut due to the rampant drug use of the donors and they have been very slow. J and I both urged her to look for a better job with more stability (she is not an actual phlebotomist, she just knows how to draw the blood. Fuck.. I can learn how to do that in an hour, but anyway) which she has just said "It will get better." Anyway... she asks me if I would keep the kids while she is gone. My first initial reaction is "Fuck that. Why would I help you ?" Elle has been very supportive with my struggle to help her. She has urged me that what I do, I do for the kids. I know this. But guys... I can't for the life of me want to do this "favor" for her because she is too stupid to get a stable job and provide her share of support for the kids. She is a shit mother who is forever wanting to "dump" the kids on whomever is close , ready and willing to take them and does not make them mind her or do their homework. Or, even CARE! She is just in this for the child support. We have asked for the kids and she refuses. She would not refuse if we told her we were taking the kids and would still pay her the support. Who does that? We are this close to just getting joint custody. We can't get full unless she gives them to us and that ain't happening anytime soon. She and I do get along and I am thankful. But, fuck me running....I have a breaking point and I am at the threshold of unleashing my fucking wrath on that stupid bitch. GET A FUCKING JOB!
I spoke to my husband about this and been very honest with my feelings. He does not understand how I feel, though he has never out right said anything, because they are his kids and he more than likely feels like it is my responsibility as his wife. I said that I would do it (Sept 2-12), but I am really, seriously having second thoughts. The best part of this whole story is that she called J yesterday and asked him if she was "gonna get paid this Friday" because she is flat broke. Give me a fuckin break! Are her kids a side job for her????
Bottom line..... I know I am doing this for the kids. Period. They are the only reason. But, for everyone else but Elle..... you all DO NOT know... you can't fathom.... how much I hate doing this because it accommodates her. Someone who aggravates the holy fucking shit out of me by calling J every 5 minutes (if he does not answer... she calls back until she gets him).... won't get a job and is just stupid. I dreaded going out of town last week because I would be away from my husband... but she can't fucking wait to get away from the kids! I am sorry... that is a pitiful excuse for a mother. I know all mom's need a break.... but, she is on a constant voyage to just get away from them.
Please don't think that I just do not want to keep them; that is not the case. I just need some advice (other than "Suck it up J-Fab") on how to deal with all this aggression toward her because I am about to renege on this deal and it'll open up Pandora's Box.
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8 comments:
It sounds as if this is a nice job opportunity for her (she'll make some extra money). So, try to look at it as: she is doing something to earn more. Now, she may also be doing it to get away from the kids, too, but we can't project that on her (or at least not if you want to have more positive feelings about her).
Enjoy your time with the boys, be happy she's earning some extra cash and worry about the rest later. :-)
J-Fab...1st, glad you're back...Elle hates having to 'please' the whole group by herself ;)
OK, now I'm going to be serious (really....I am).
I'm 1-time divorced and have a daughter from that marriage. My now-wife has had to endure similar things as yourself and I know, at times, she doesn't understand why there is even a 'connection' between my ex and myself.
It really boils down to one thing and that's the child(ren) involved.
I have done sooooooooooo many things for my ex (I could write a dozen posts...you'd say 'WTF EFEN...why in the world..?) Not because of our past together but because I feel if I do these things it will be better for my daughter. The less stress or aggravation that my ex finds herself under (and much of it due to her own choices) the less stress will be transferred from her to my daughter.
I'm sure 'J' feels much the same way. If there weren't kids involved then he (as I would) would say "Fuck....handle it yourself" to her.
No way would I say "Suck it up" (shut up Elle ;). It's a tough situation and frankly, will continue for quite sometime. While it certainly can be unfair to you, and believe me, 'J' knows this, he really doesn't have any other choice. And thats because he's afraid if he doesn't agree to do this that it will have a negative impact on the kids.
I wouldn't open up that 'Pandora's Box'. Let it slide and know you're only doing it for the boys (and 'J'), not for her.
Fuck....I hope some of that made sense ^^
You both are right. I am just so tortured by helping her. I mean, really feel like I am giving in. But, I will do this and the boys will love me someday for it. I will be that stability that they need when J can't be there. Just know.... I am miserable in doing so but it will not show to the kids. Thank you guys for your support. It is wonderful having friends like you guys! sniff sniff
The reality is if you back out on the witch's little out of town party, she is going to spread that misery around for a good long time.
What you took on is very commendable. You have to be very selfless to take on a guy with kids and money going out the door to another woman each month. I couldn't do it. Since you did sign up for the great guy and his great kids you have to take the witch as well. God help you.
Did she really ask if she was going to get paid? Meaning the child support for the kids is her due? You'd be washing my brains off of the living room walls for years after my head exploded.
Yup, you're a better person than I. Since we have established that you are a good and decent person, you can't back out and you're pretty much stuck doing her a favor. Maybe you can screw with her and tell her you'll need a third of the support back to feed the kids while she's gone.
J-Fab.....IF you REALLY wanted to thank me you'd sho.........ah, nevermind, even I won't play that 'if you really want to show your gratitude' card ;)
Sorry....that 'serious' stuff only lasts me so long :)
Christine... I actually thought about just messing with her about the pro-rated support. J and I decided that if we did that, she would just say "No, I just won't got then." She depends on it that much. Yes, she did ask if she was getting paid! See, she told J when they divorced that she could not manage her money (Not kidding, she actually said that and it's true) and wanted to be paid every 2 weeks when he got paid. Fine. He has done that for 3 years now. So, unlike most fucking normal divorced people, we pay every 2 weeks. Twice a year, he gets paid 3 times a month. She is dumb enough to think that he still has to pay her on those "extra paydays" that he gets because he pays her every two weeks. I had to break it down for her in tenth grade terms that once we pay her the support, that's all she gets! It doesn't register to her! August was one of those months where there were 3 paydays. We had her paid in full on Aug 15 and she would not get another support check until the first payday in Sept which is the 12th. I all but begged her to let us pay her once and month a LONG time ago and she refused. Bottom line is she is going out of town and needs money. It won't be for the kids cause she won't be here. As far as I am concerned, she can wait. She made up the rules about when she wants paid... so fucking play by them.
Trust me... it is a nightmare sometimes to deal with her cause she is so fucking stupid that it actually wears me out. I knew what I was getting into when I married J----but Jimmeny Christmas.... I didn't sign up for stupidity!
I know you know how I feel about this...but you also know I gotta tell you again, because I love you and because, well, I can :)
I just think you're looking at it all wrong. It HAS to be about those kids, no matter what kind of waterheaded dumbass ex-wife is lurking around. And I'm not trying to be mean...but you kinda DID sign up for stupidity because she was stupid WAY before y'all got married. Now, here's the beauty part: Don't think for one second that those kids don't know the score. They're old enough to pay attention, and I'm certain she runs her mouth plenty when they're at home with her. Yeah, you're gonna have to put up with the crazy, but in the end, those kids, AND YOUR HUSBAND, will love you all the more for being the kick-ass stepmom I know you are.
Don't look at it as her "winning", look at it as you having some class and taking the high road. That's what I do...and I'm totally proud of you for what you're doing, mama.
Hang in there. Heart you~
(p.s. and can I just say....fuckin' captcha...seriously)
About the biweekly thing...my friend's ex wife literally called his job about not getting her alimony on one of those three payroll months. Of course they didn't speak to her but talk about dumb...figure it out..you don't get a bonus just because there happens to be an extra pay period in a month bonehead.
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