PB&J and Death Rays

My husband hates it when I eat in bed. It's his worst pet peeve hands down. I mean, he despises me eating in bed. Anything. (Shut up Efen!) His all time best death rays come when I eat sandwiches in bed. I am not even allowed to eat them in bed ON TOP of the covers. Luckily for me... he works all night. So most weeknights, you can bet your sweet ass that there is a snack to be had every fucking night in my bed. ***he he*** (That sounded kinda dirty!)
Last night, I wanted a peanut butter and jelly (PB & J) sandwich and when I went to bed.... I made a big fat one and crawled into bed with my prize. (Efen, I know you are about to bust right now.) I fell asleep very soon after I ate the sandwich and must have been very tired because the next time I woke up, my husband kissing my cheek like he does every single morning. He takes a shower and comes to bed as always around 6:30 am. I went back to sleep 'til my usual 8:30 alarm clock (I know, I'm a bitch to sleep that late.) I get up and go straight to the bathroom for my shower and discover JELLY in my fuckin hair!!!!!!! How I got that much jelly in my hair and not have a fucking clue I will never know! I mean, it was a huge glob! So, I bitch some (ok... I lied....I bitch a lot) and proceed with my shower to try and get that shit out of my hair. FAST. While I am in the shower (mind you.. I have to be at work at 9) I realize that the jelly is probably in my bed! Literally, I get out of the shower soaking wet and go to the bedroom very quietly so not to wake him. To my horror, I find that it's on the pillow, the sheets and some on the comforter! Oh.... slap my ass and call me Betty.... all I am thinking is that J will kill me if he finds that:

a) I ate in bed. Again. (I know ya'll are thinking that I am an adult and all... but my husband never bitches at ANYTHING I do, so I have to give him these small victories. He is the most laid back person you will EVER meet in your entire life and there is not a mean bone in his body. Elle, tell them!)
b)There is jelly on the 1000 thread count sheets and BRAND NEW comforter...
c) he is smeared in the jelly, too.

The big vein in his forehead will pop if he rolls onto my side and ends up in that crap! I then realize... painfully....that there is not a fucking thing that I can do about that jelly until after he leaves for work.....in 9 hours!!!! The sheets are probably ruined and he is gonna go Jack Bauer on my ass if he finds out. Do you guys have any idea how fucking long yesterday was for me? Agonizing. Excruciating. Dreadful. I hold my breath until he wakes up at 3 and calls me. He says nothing... so, he did not find the jelly. Trust me... had he ended up in that jelly... I would have heard him yelling the 3 miles that my house is from my office. He did not. Coast was clear. I get home at 5:07 pm; we make small talk... and he leaves at his normal 5:40 time. I race upstairs and jerk the sheets off the bed and saturate the linens with stain remover. All that I have in my cabinet in the laundry room. Also, I remembered about some mystery stain remover stuff that I ordered off the Internet that is awesome. Half a bottle of that stuff goes on the sheets as well. There is nothing else I can do but hold my breath for 45 minutes until the washer cuts off and I run into the laundry room and get the sheets out. The stains are gone! Haluhfuckinglooyuh!!!!! That was a close one and I dodged that bullet. You guys are all wondering if I learned a lesson and will ever eat in bed again, aren't you?

Uummm.... yeah! I like to live on the edge and that's how I roll.

P. S. If those sheets had NOT come clean (even though those were my premarital sheets) I would be buried alive and you guys would have to use heat sensors to locate my body!