I fuckin hate Mondays. Today was no different... usual shit I hear like " You stole my car and I couldn't go to work this past weekend (translate --- couldn't pay for my car cause I was laying out at some bar, then driving drunk on expired tags with no gas in the tank all while trying to pick up every whore I see) or "I couldn't even pick up my kids from my ex-wife/husband" or "I give my wife money to pay the payment and I don't know what she is doing with they money" or the best one yet.... "You ruined my Christmas!"
Blah Blah Blah.
To make matters worse.... I decide to get a good old fashioned hamburger from the Legion. You all know what those are.... you have to be a member (WTF????), old and have no life. Places with so much smoke you feel like you are smoking.... old farts that all they do when you walk in is stare at your boobs (no offense on "staring at the boobs" Efen) and you see the same old people wasting away their social security on those stupid, rigged slot machine- type -deals (stop laughing, I can't think of what they are really called.) Anyway...
I order a burger for my husband and myself.
Old lady cook: American Legion
Me: I'd like to place an order for 2 cheeseburgers, please.
(I'm always nice when it comes to my food cause I don't want a Subway story posted on here like the one that Elle posted the other day.)
Old lady cook: whaddaya want on them?
Me: One with everything... no onions. The other one with mustard, pickles, tomato. Please, don't forget.... NO ONIONS on either one of them.
Old lady cook: Ok.. is this you, Jenny Fabulous?
Me: Yep... sure is. How are you today?
Old lady cook: Fat, sassy and busy. But, ok... I know you don't like onions. I'll have it ready in 20 minutes.
me: Ok.. see you in a few minutes. Thanks!
(I can be nice, ok?)
I wait a few minutes then leave for the post office and to pick up our lunch telling my husband to come on to my office. I get to the Legion, wait for some old fart bartender to "buzz" me in and make my way to the kitchen fighting the smoke and perverts. Old lady cook has my order ready....I pay her PLUS a nice tip (which I do all the time) and head for the door in a hurry to try and avoid all the perverts staring at my boobs. No such luck. They stare like they have never seen a set of boobs before. Ever.
My husband is waiting at my office when I get there and open the bag with our burgers. The first one I pull out has everything on it so I assume that that one is his. I hand it to him which he devourers while I take a 2 minute phone call. One call ended up being 2 calls, then 3...etc. He gets tired of me on the phone and nods to me "bye." About 30 minutes later, I finally get a second to eat my burger and see what Perez Hilton has to say on his website while I eat. I take about 3 or 4 bites and realize that there is a big, fat, mother fuckin onion on my burger! What the fuck? How fuckin hard is it to lay off the onion even when she fuckin knows I hate them and always ask her to go out of her way to keep those fuckin things away from my food?? I don't even want her to put one on my burger and think..."Oh, no, Jenny Fabulous doesn't like onions... better take it off." No. Hell no. I can tell when one of those little bastards is in the vicinity... the air... of my burger. Funkin make me a new burger that doesn't have the onion cootie's.
Ya'll... you have no EARTHLY idea how much I detest onions. Fuckin detest onions. Just the smell makes my stomach turn. So... on top of the usual Monday that I usually have... I now, and have had, all fucking day.... that fuckin onion taste that no matter what I eat and how many times I have brushed my teeth today (4).... it won't fuckin leave my mouth!!!!! Fuck me running!!! Can someone PLEASE tell me what I can do???? I need a home remedy (other than brushing my teeth!) No jokes, Efen! I am serious! :) Elle stop laughing... I need your help!
I am miserable here! This taste is horrendous!
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9 comments:
Okay.
a.) Don't go to the f'n Legion. Just. Don't. Go.
b.) You KNOW you just made it WAYYYY to easy for Efen to tell you "how to get the taste of onions outta your mouth."
Geez. Rookie. ;)
Oh, I totally know Efen will have a field day with this one.... I am serious though! Is there a way to keep this one from him???
Uh. No.
(lmaaaaaooooooooooo!) mama, you totally crack me up!
From now on, pull the top bun off your sandwiches and inspect the contents. This is what I do every single time. Usually, it's because I wipe the bun off (there's always too much mayo for my liking on anything I order).
I realize it's Tuesday AM now, so just keep brushing and rinsing! And eat breath mints all day.
Hmmmm...lets see where in the fuck do I even start?
1st, lmao @ "You ruined my Christmas!" I can't even imagine having to deal with these fuckin geniuses.
2nd....J-Fab, if they're starin at your boobs, well, you must have boobs worth starin at. Now, I don't know for sure but if you'd like I can offer an 'expert' opinion...just tryin to help her, ya know.
3rd...(just how low do I stoop here...hehe..get it? ;)
Okay.....1st, find a willing participant (yeah....that would be difficult),
2nd....have a few shots of your favorite 'it makes me do things' liquor,
then.....kneel down....ahh...ooooh...uh oh, getting waaaaay to into this....I'd better just leave this alone ;)
ETW: I am trying everything! This is horrible! It is even killing my beloved Dr. Pepper taste!
Umm Efen... I know you are having a field day! Why do men stare?? I mean.. they are boobs! Every woman has them. I haven't tried the liquor thing yet..I'm on it!
Uh....the 'liquor thing' was only a prelude to, well, ya know ;)
Ok, I will be 'helpful', for a change ;) Get some fresh parsley and chew on it...really, no BS here..it will work. And....now, you 'owe' me ;)
Why do men stare at boobs?...well fuck, let me ask you this; If you're 'well-endowed' do you wear low cut or tight shit?? If so, dear J-Fab, then there's your answer. Fuck, we have eyes and we're gonna use 'em ;)
And....if you aren't, see the above :)
What the shizz kinda onion did they serve you that you're STILL puking that shit up, anyway?
F'n Legion onions.
That fuckin onion will be the death of me no fuckin doubt. Hubby won't even kiss me and he LIKES onions! WTF???? Let's call this little adventure..."Project Yuck Mouth." Vomit.
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